The holidays, whether Thanksgiving, Christmas or summer vacations seem to always bring calls and appointments with adults anxious about their elderly parents. Adult children frequently visit their parents for the holidays only to find a difference from the last visit. A lot can mentally, emotionally and physically happen over a year with an elderly parent.

Typically, the children find the situation is not an emergency requiring immediate placement, simply an acknowledgment that with competent assistance, the elderly parent can remain independent and at their home for at least a little longer. This assistance may take the form of directing to available community benefits, coordinating in-home help or legal matters to varying degrees.

The first step a child should take is to properly evaluate the situation. What may initially seem to be a crisis, in reality may be characteristic of normal aging that can be easily accommodated. Be sure not to make excuses or be too forgiving as some signs do indicate more advanced dementia or other diseases that should be more immediately addressed.

The evaluation should simply start with observing the parent physically. This includes changes in their grooming, being thinner, poor skin color, or severe behavior changes (e.g. being uncharacteristically suspicious, having angry outbursts or excessive crying).

The next part of the evaluation is to note the parents surroundings. This includes changes in their house keeping, their refrigerator being either too full or too empty or piles of unopened mail. We commonly discover elderly persons with dementia are making excessive contributions to charities. It is not that donating is not good, that often does provide a since of worth to an elderly person, but a child should be sensitive to disproportionate charitable donations when compared to the past or to their parents income.

An important source of information about an elderly person is their friends and neighbors. They will see the loved one more than their child. The friend or neighbor usually appreciates the opportunity to express concerns about their elderly friend, but typically will not do so until asked.

Finally, the adult child should have a quiet chat with their elderly parent. This should mostly consist of listening. A common complaint among the elderly is that no one listens to them, so by simply listening, in every case it can only be positive. Also, this change in familial roles taking place is just as difficult for the aging parent; no new changes or even suggestions should be forced on them right away. Of course this may have to happen if it is in fact a crisis situation.

So, by a child physically visiting their elderly parent, observing them, their surroundings and talking with them and their neighbors, often a crisis can be avoided and the elderly loved one can remain independent and safely in their home much longer.

Russell A. Fracassa, Attorney at Law